My breastfeeding truth

*VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED* (I don't even know why I felt the need to say that)

Hey guys. I know it's been a few weeks since my last blog but after sharing a very personal moment on my Instagram today I had another moment and before I tried to get in touch with the feelings, i told myself 'write it down'. So that brings me on here. Before we go further into the thought I'm about to splurge on here, this is what I shared and has inspired today's blog.

Never would i have thought that one day i would share my life like this on the Internet. But then again never did i think i would sit here and breast-feed my third child. I guess i can't say never, never  ever again. Regardless I'm sitting here typing and breastfeeding for the 50th time today lol.

I'm so exhausted from the lack of sleep I've had, not only with breast-feeding but since I've been pregnant. I haven't had a decent night of sleep in years, almost 3 years cause I'm including pregnancy. I can't even just tell babe to take care of her for the night so i can just sleep straight, i have the milk so that means i take care of the baby. For real though, i can't stress how many times I'm frustrated with the baby in my arms and I'm telling Mauricio to help out and to make all matters worse, his sarcastic ass would respond "well what do you want me to do, i don't have boobs" I. CAN. NOT. DEAL.

Okay so i get that I have the boobs but i don't understand why that would the reason you can't help out or take over?  I'm probably speaking indirectly to my bf but i think we've come to a point in society where "men' have help contribute more in a family than ever before, even taking on woman/mother roles. I've seen men put together a breastfeeding gadget to breastfed their own baby. Yes, its out there ladies and men. That might be over the top but I'm trying to make a simple point across:

MEN (particularly the one i have at home) STOP EXCUSING WHY YOU CAN DO YOUR PART AT HOME, PARENTHOOD SHOULD BE 50/50 PERIOD

My blog is my personal feelings, my experiences, and about my life. I always want to share what i feel deep down is embarrassing or not talked about enough because others feel embarrassed about it... 

Whenever we go to family gathers, we get asked the second big question "Are you going to have more children?" babe says "yes" laughing while i automatically scream "HELL NO" not even joking. I am done with having children because everyday that i continue to breastfeed, i am slapped back in the face how reality is with raising children. It's not just pregnancy for 10 months and the hard part is done. Nope. That's the beginning  Having children is one thing but also choosing to breastfeed them takes up so much of my life, energy. You having a child, everyday is a battle. You lose some, you win some but you're always trying to stay alive and keep the family alive as well lol.

I've been breastfeeding a child for a total of 10 years on and off, but I've been producing, get this, producing milk for 10 years NONSTOP! Yes, that's me. I don't know what breasts are anymore besides food source for my child. This things that hang off my chest are not mine, haven't been for years. I don't even remember what my perky nipples looked like pre-pregnancy. I was a teenager who decided to breastfeed and from then on, my breasts have evolved throughout the years. Its been so hard adjusting and learning to love the new boobs before the next pregnancy, doing pregnancy, after pregnancy then the last and final change after breastfeeding. They change that many times FOR EACH CHILD.

Back to breastfeeding my third child. I have a twiddler. what is that? that is a child who has to have a nipple in his/her hand and they twist it, touch it, pat it, pull on it or sleep with it all while breastfeeding from the other breast. I have never had a child who does what Magdalena does. WOW. This is a new level of frustration. I can tell you the way the word "twiddle" makes me cringe, my body is cringing and my teeth are clenched tight. She not only twiddles throughout the day but this also requires for both my breasts to be out, in public. who am i to say no? i can't say no and trust me if you're not in MY place you can say and give me all the advice you want but again if you're not in my actual place then you don't know how fucking hard it is to say 'NO'. It's been 20 months that I've been waking up throughout the night to night soothe her. I breastfed Lena more than she eats human food, more than i use the restroom all together. I'm in the restroom breastfeeding her, I'm in the shower feeding her and then we get out the shower walk to the bed to change and I'm breastfeeding her again. I have days where i yell and scream out loud and she looks at me not understanding what is going on, just that i need to get over it and move my hand so she can eat again.

When I'm out in public, i don't cover up. I choose to #freethebignipples. I haven't always been this way. When i was 16 years old with a baby, the public restrooms were my feeding spots along with my car. With Maddison, blankets became our essential when we left the house, regardless of Texas heat. Now, with Magdalena, i don't give two-fucks who sees my salami's(nipples). I'm feeding my daughter point blank, don't like what you see, move along cause I'm not stopping. 

Another thing I've done is Long-term breastfeed. what is that? basically breastfeeding longer than 3 months to me is considered as long term lol. We live in a society with breastfeeding in now determined in an age group, WTF. Since when has breastfeeding harmed a baby let alone a 3 year old? Moms are now drinking and smoking marijuana while breastfeeding but we instead to shame the mom who chooses to breastfeed a toddler, psssh get out of here with that nonsense. Now, I'm not saying we should all breastfeed up to 10 year old but I'm not against normalizing what feels normal to other moms. If you are a healthy and happy mom, that's a plus. If your child is healthy and happy that's a plus plus. okay so because i choose this long term path, I'm left with days that overwhelm me. Breastfeeding a toddler is a challenge, ill take breastfeeding a baby over breastfeeding a toddler. My boobs are not only food for a toddler, they're her safe toys, her safe spot, her soothing paci, her stuffed animal, her drug. Until she decides to choose something else over my boobs i will continue to breastfeed her. I breastfeed Joshua until her was 2 years old, maddison was fed until 3 years and 8 months, and now I'm estimating Lena to stop around 3-4 years, oh my god.

It's so hard. Its so hard to sacrifice your body to your child. It's hard to even choose to sacrifice your body over your sanity. I'm not saying I'm completely crazy but i have points where I've told babe, figure it out I'm going to the gym, bye. Or i go to the restroom  to block out all the noise even though i still hear her screaming for me. But i know my limitations. I would never put myself intentionally in harm ways. I know that as much as I'm my daughters property, i have to get days to refresh my mind, body, and soul and find that balance between it all. I'm not a saint, i curse, i scream, I'm frustrated, i lash out but I'm also full of love. Full of love that I'm bonding in the most precious way and enjoying the moments I'm able to nurse my last baby girl.
It's all bittersweet to me, all the pain and time i ever dedicate to this motherhood journey, this breastfeeding journey. I know that i complain now but there will be a moment in time i will look back and tear up. I'm just here to soak up all the moments in between, until then.

- mother jamfar